hello

Siti Sebrina Choe, Mixed. Twitter Instagram

come back home
19 November, 2014

Been wanting to write this for a long time but didn't had the time to type out this whole chunk.

I bet people are wondering what's the "incident" about on my insta post that I thanked my gratitude towards our principal (or soon to be ex-principal).

I really thank her from the bottom of my heart. Without her encouraging words, without her support I may not be who I am today, maybe at least I'm not able to smile like I used to.

I have never told anyone else except close friends of mine or maybe people got the hint from my previous insta post dated back during July.

I feel that this is a touchy subject that I don't really want to talk about, cos every time I do it puts me into tears. So I hope people would read this and stop asking or maybe just don't bring up the subject of death or family.

So here's the story,

It was back in July.

On 9th of July, my dad came home from work late afternoon and bought my favourite strawberries. The first thing he asked was "What do you want to eat today?".

Of course the first thing I would say was spaghetti. I love spaghetti and I love it more when my dad cooks it.

So then I sat down infront of the TV to eat while he was on the sofa preparing to go work (he had 2 jobs back then).

I was eating halfway when I heard coughing and deep breathing from my dad. He has been like this for a few weeks, having difficulty to breathe, so I told him to visit the doctor for a check up. But he just waved it off like it's just a normal cough. And then he went to work.

10th of July 2014, I'll always remember this date for the rest of my life.

It was just one of those normal days where I wake up in the morning for school. That morning, I woke up to find my dad watching soccer (it was during the World Cup season) as usual.

When I was tying my shoelace, about to leave for school, I heard him having difficulty to breathe again, so I told him again "go visit the doctor okay?" and again he just waved it off.

Before I left, I said a casual "bye".

But who knew, who fucking knew that bye was a goodbye instead.

I went to school as usual with all the classes, and preparing for up coming N lvl oral.

Around afternoon 1:30pm, after SS lesson, the general office staff came up to our class and asked me to pack all my stuffs and go down the general office.

At that time I already had a bad feeling. Why would they suddenly call me down to the office unless someone I know passes away or I did something wrong? I had no idea at that time.

So I went to the general office and waited there for awhile.

Mr Soong, Mr Voom, our 2 vice-principals came in and they gave me sad pity looks (I know when someone gives me a pity look now cos everyone does that to me). I got anxious by the minute.

Then Mrs Menon came in and asked me to enter her office.

All of them looked at me then whispered to one another.

Then they asked me about my exams and school, how was I coping and all, and I said fine, only that I was preparing for my oral which was a few days away.

It felt weird that they asked me all these but to be honest I really had no idea what happened at that time.

Then everyone left the room except Mrs Menon, she asked if I knew what happened and I said I had no clue. Then she asked me to check my phone. (this part is funny tbh cos we weren't allowed to use phone during school time and now the principal asked me to use my phone infront of her lol I don't usually check my phone when I'm in school).

I checked my phone and I saw several calls from my mother, but there was one message that immediately shattered my heart.

"Daddy just die. Can you pick up the call now."

I couldn't believe it at first. But then tears started to drop from my eyes and Mrs Menon came over to hug me. I tried to call my mom back but she wouldn't answer.

Mrs Menon asked me if I would like to go back to class and wait until school was finish to go to the hospital or go immediately.

Initially I wanted to go back class, at least I could calm my nerves down before I head to the hospital but at that time I was already a crying mess and I didn't want to go back to class to have everyone bombard me on "What happen?" "why are you crying?".

So we left the room and the rest was waiting outside.

Mrs lee came to my side and hugged me, told me to be strong. At that time, I really couldn't. It all just felt so unreal.

Then Mrs Menon drove me to NUH. On the way I opened up to her and told her about my family situation and how I was most worried about my mom cos my grandfather died last year and she went hysteric when they rolled his body into the cremation room. It was the worst sight ever.

When we reached the hospital I found my aunt and my brothers waiting outside the emergency room. And then I learnt how he died.

He was working as usual and was having a coffee break at a coffee shop.

Then he had a major heart attack, a NS man tried to do whatever ways to save him but he couldn't. The arteries that pumps blood to his heart was clogged. His heart tried to pump blood but it couldn't.

We waited for the whole family to arrive before going in to see his body.

My aunt told me to be strong, try not to cry infront of my mom but I couldn't.

My mom came out to bring all of us in, and when we went into the room, tears started flowing down non-stop.

There, on the bed, was my own father's lifeless body. He still looks the same, that hairstyle of his, that face of his, just that he's not breathing, not moving, not waking up and say "I am alive now stop crying" no he's just there, no movement. He left, he left us all.

I just stood there, crying and crying and crying non-stop. My eldest brother was the first one to go breakdown badly. Saying how he regret so much for fighting with him for the past few months, how he wanted to apologise on Hari Raya.

Everything was so blur I couldn't see anything else except his dead body.

Mrs Menon came into the room too and stayed for awhile then left for a meeting.

A nurse came in and the words she said felt a knife stabbing through my heart.

She said, "Hello, are you guys the family of Jailani Bin Jumar? I have seen him around before for a few times. He was always so funny and making jokes. He came here recent to have a checkup".

At that time I cried even harder. He knew, he knew his condition all along. He went to the hospital to have checkup but he wouldn't tell us his condition. He wouldn't tell us how he was feeling, how he may have heart attack anytime, how he had high blood pressure. He kept it all in.

After everyone left, leaving the room with me, my mom and my aunts, it was the time that my mom went hysteric, saying things like "why did you leave me alone in this world why didn't you take me with you" "how am I going to survive for the rest of my life" "you said you'll grow old with me until we are 80 now you're just 50 why did you leave so fast" "wake up now and tell me it's all okay" "how am I going to support the family"

It felt like bullets piercing through my heart. It was hard enough for my mom to see her dad being rolled in to the cremation room last year and now she sees her husband on the bed, lifeless.

All of us had to restrain her, holding her back from crashing onto him.

After everyone regained their senses, we left the room to discuss on how to handle the funeral stuffs. It was 4pm nearing 5 at that time and it was too late for them to bury him. By right, Malay custom is on the day itself the person passes away, have to be buried but it was too late for them to dig a hole so his body was brought back to our house.

So I went back home first with my relatives to shift all the furniture aside, rearrange everything to have a space to put his body.

And then around evening, they cleaned up my dad's body and brought him home. Home where he will be for the night, for the last time.

Relatives from both side of my family, friends of my dad and mom all came.

Not forgetting heyheyhey that came after hearing the news.

Thank you chichi, jiarui, liwen, yanan, weixian, royan. Thank you really, for coming that day, I really can't explain how much I really thank you guys for coming, for being here for me. Talking to you guys allowed me to breathe, have a break from the chaotic mess. It made me feel at ease, feel normal again. You guys actually put a smile on my face that I really needed at that time.

It was nearing 1am when everyone left and only afew of my relatives left.

Cleared up the place and washed up to have a decent sleep for the funeral later that day.

My brothers slept outside in the living room where my dad's body was and I slept in my parent's room with my mom. It was 3am when I climbed into the bed.

I had difficulty sleeping and so was my mom. We were facing each other and then suddenly my dad's ring from the bedside table dropped on the floor, it was a really loud thud. My mom or me didn't even move an inch before that so I'm not saying anything or what but I thought maybe it was my dad. I looked around the room (hoping) he was there (((which I also hope I wasn't able to see him cos if I did I would be traumatized for life istg)))

So then I fell into a deep sleep after I knew my father was still here, with us.

Woke up around 6am and prepared everything, for the prayer people to come and for them to clean his body in the kitchen. Malay way of funeral.

Around afternoon, brought his body to Lim Chu Kang, where they bury his body. And again when my brothers lowered his body, my mom broke into fits of cries.

After the whole ceremony was done, we went to visit my dad's side grandparents.

Then went to visit my grandfather (mom's side) at Mandai.

"My husband passed away, you can now go and find him, drink and smoke all you want in heaven nobody is going to stop both of you." That's what my mom said in Cantonese (I know a bit)

12th July was a Saturday, went back scouts to regain myself, to try to head back to my normal life again, to just try not to think of my dad.

On Sunday, we went out as a family. Just 5 of us (including my bro's fiance).

We went to ikea to shop for furnitures since we cleared like half of our house on saturday throwing away things and all.

It felt weird...... really weird. It felt all wrong.

I looked around to find my dad but I couldn't. It felt wrong that he wasn't there. He's supposed to be there, grumbling away that we shouldn't buy these and that but I looked around, all round to find him but I can't. It sucks so much every time I try to look for him but he's just not there anymore, never will again.......

The first few weeks without him felt just so so so wrong.

Every night I cry myself to sleep. Thinking about him, thinking how fragile life is. That anytime anyone could leave me. My mom, my brothers, just anyone.

Every time I miss him, I convince myself that he went on a very long holiday. That he'll never come home and say "what do you want to eat for dinner?" or cook my favourite salted egg crab or spaghetti or buy for me strawberries.

He used to blame me for every single thing that happened in the house, sometimes in a joking manner sometimes sternly. My mom always sided me and one time she fought with him just because of me, making them all pissy mood.

There are a lot of things I regret now.

Things like doing something for Father's day this year. Well who knew it'll be his last one? I guess only God knew.

I was stuck at camp during father's day and my mom texted me to remind me to wish my dad a Happy Father's day.

I sent him but he never replied. He never replies any of my messages.

Now I still send him messages occasionally now and then, though this time he will never ever reply.

My mom wanted to create a new whatsapp group without my dad. Just 4 of us but I (sort of) in a pleading manner told her to just use the old one where my dad is in it. At least he knows what's going on I guess.

I regret not cherishing him. I regret not cherishing the time I had with him.

If only he told us of his condition.

If only I saved up enough money sooner to bring him to see the doctor.

If only he lasted through his 51th Birthday he would've eaten his favourite durian cake that I saved up money for.

If only I knew the "bye" I said that morning was the last goodbye I would ever say to him.

If only God told us when he was leaving.

Everyday I wish and wish and wish that our family would be 5 again.

5 of us together, bickering at each other but at the end of the day it's the small little action we do for each other still prove our family love.

Ever since my dad left, our family bonded so much. My eldest bro took up the lead to be the man of the house.

I am so angry at my dad sometimes.

For not heading my advice to visit the doctor together, for not telling us, for keeping it to himself and making him suffer all alone.

I am starting to forget bits and pieces of him.

His voice, his face. The way he smells, the way he orders things around the house, the way he mumbles when he's moody, the way he loves to jokingly tease me on everything. I miss him a lot I really do.

I had dreams of him.

At first it was dreams where I was doing stuffs and he was standing one corner, watching me. My mom had similar dreams where he was just standing aside watching all of us.

The last and final dream I had of him before the 40 days ended was one where the whole family at home. He was cooking as usual and I couldn't believe my eyes. I screamed for my family members if they could see him but they couldn't, only I could.

So I asked him one thing that I've always wanted to ask him but I couldn't every time he visited my dreams.

"How are you?"

That was what I've always wanted to ask him. How was he doing in heaven? How is he feeling? Is he still suffering? Is he still having difficulty breathing?

His answered put me at ease. "I am fine, still doing great"

Even though it was a dream, it felt so surreal.

Like he was there, like any ordinary day he would be in the kitchen cooking.

Writing this whole chunk made me cry again for the millionth time this year.

I can never stop crying, my tears would never stop whenever it's something related to my dad.

When I see people posting things on twitter about how they hate their parents and all, please be grateful both of them is still alive. I get really angry when people posts such things. Please don't, I beg all of you. Don't post such things it will make you regret a hundred or even million times more when they leave this wrod.

So this is what I wanted to type all along.

If anyone reads up until this far, I have something to tell you.

Don't regret anything. Spend all the time you have with your parents. Treasure them. Don't hold grudges on them, cos if you do when they are gone those grudges will stay with you forever. Don't forget, when you're having fun and growing older each year, so does your parents. Working hard to support the family and growing older each year.

I love you my dearest dad.

Thank you for the past 16 years of my life.

I am so sorry for not able to say this earlier.

I hope you are doing well in heaven.

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On a side note I am too lazy to correct any grammar errors or anything. I'm just spilling out everything I have to say so far.
Thank you for reading and understanding, whoever you are.
17 November was prom and I wondered what would my dad say if he saw me.

"You appeared in my dreams last night,

but I couldn't recognize you,

because you looked older.

I was scared,

it seemed like this would be my reality.

Before I left,

I promised you as I held you

And said I would build a house and wait for you

If you aged, just age,

Why did you have to age so beautifully?"

- Climax by iKON

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